Thursday, November 12, 2009

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie...

You know that children's book?

A Mouse Cookie First Library (If You Give...)

Where one thing inevitably leads to another, and a ridiculous adventure full of mishaps ensues?

Well, our version would be called, "If You Buy a Littlest Pet Shop Toy..."

Snuggle up with a cozy blanket and let me entertain you during story time. Ready?

"If you buy a Littlest Pet Shop toy, it's going to come with cool little accessories.

If you have fun playing with the tiny pieces of fruit, so will your cat.

If your cat chases the plastic fruit around the house, at some point he'll end up swallowing it.

If he swallows it, it'll end up making holes in his liver and kidneys.

If he gets holes in his liver and kidneys, he'll need major surgery.

If he needs major surgery, he'll have to go to the animal hospital.

While you're visiting him at the hospital, you'll wonder why one of the photos in the waiting room features dogs doing things not quite appropriate for a children's book.

If you wonder why there are explicit doggie pictures in the waiting room, you'll then realize this is Russia--and anything goes.

If you realize this is Russia and anything goes, you won't be surprised when your cat who is still in critical condition is released to you for extremely involved and difficult care at home.

If your cat is released in critical condition and requires extremely difficult care at home, you won't be surprised by two pages of hard-to-follow instructions about his various medications and shots.

If you have to follow two pages of hard-to-follow instructions about various medications and shots, you'll have to administer crushed pills by syringe three times per day.

If you have to administer crushed pills by syringe three times a day, your cat is going to get very angry and scared.

If your cat gets angry and scared, he may accidently puncture a major vein on your hand with his claw.

If he punctures a major vein on your hand, you'll bleed. A lot.

If you bleed a lot, you'll lose consciousness and somehow end up at the other end of your house, on the floor, with no recollection of how you got there.

If you end up unconscious on the floor with no recollection of how you got there, you'll crawl to wake up your husband and cry for help.

If you cry for help, you'll end up going to the hospital.

If you go to the hospital, they'll wrap your hand and give you a tetanus shot and antibiotics.

If they wrap your hand and give you a tetanus shot and antibiotics, they'll also want you to travel to the other side of Moscow to a public hospital where you could wait in line all day to get the first of six rabies shots.

If they want you to travel to the other side of Moscow to a public hospital where you could wait all day to get the first of six rabies shots, you'll think you've had enough to blog about for one day--and head home.

If you think you've had enough to blog about for one day and head home, your daughter will want to cheer you up as soon as she sees your bandaged hand.

And if she wants to cheer you up, she'll bring you her favorite Littlest Pet Shop toy..."

It has been a l-o-n-g day.


The Expatresse said...

Rabies shots? Aren't the cats vaccinated for rabies? Plus, they are indoor cats? Plus you bled enough (sorry) to clean out the wound?

Poor you.

Your mother is going to FLIP OUT.

katbat said...

holy crap!! so sorry! couldn't they just test the cat before sending you for rabies shots? ugh!

Tina in CT said...

Yes, her mother flipped out and is flipping out more seeing that she needs six rabies shots.

The questions are, "Are you getting the series of 6 rabies shots? Is Lyalya current on his rabies shots?

That is one of my favortie books. In fact, I just bought the rest of the series as Kohl's is featuring them for their $5 a book special.

What a nightmare of a day you've had.

MoscowMom said...

Don't worry! They're just paranoid! He's had his shots, so I am NOT going to waste that huge amount of time on unnecessary appointments.

Elle J said...

Ouch! I am so sorry to hear about the drama you have experienced and I am sure the pain. However, your post was very clever and made me giggle a bit here and there visualizing the step by step of your day. Glad to know you are home, safe, and healthy (considering). Good wishes to you and your kitty.

Tina in CT said...

P.S. I hope the girls go to bed around 9:00 and sleep all night and don't still have jet lag! You all need your sleep.

kristin said...

Wow! What a day! Glad his shots are up to date! I won't want another story that ended with you foaming at the mouth! That is just crazy! You have one crazy life! I'm glad I get to hear about it! lol

Anonymous said...

Great story telling, wish it would be all imaginary and not happening to you.
I wish you all will get some quite and peaceful time very soon.

Jennifer L said...

Oh my goodness!! Sounds like you are having a rough time to say the least. Hope things turn around for you soon.

Jackie said...

Oh my goodness! What a horrible no good very bad day! But I also agree what a clever way to post about it.

I wish I knew you when we were in Moscow adopting our son. I would have loved to have met you. :-)

Anonymous said...

poor thing...miss you!!!

Annie said...

Oh, my gosh....I was laughing so hard I was crying - and doing it all out loud - and since I was doing this laughing and crying here in my office in the school on an otherwise quiet Sunday afternoon - the sound was alarming enough to cause a fifth grade boy waiting for basketball practice to tiptoe 'round the corner, to see what was wrong, fearing what he'd find. An embarrassed Mrs. Kitching - who could not POSSIBLY explain....only wave a hand at the computer and try to suggest something was really funny....

I would tell them to take their rabies shots and shove them.

garnet said...

I was absolutely sick on your behalf after reading this -- I've never met anyone more terrified of needles than I am so you can imagine the thought of six of them. So glad it isn't really necessary for you to have them.

I don't know if it is any great comfort, but I was having a pretty rough day / week when I first read this and I came away thinking "I have nothing to complain about -- things could be so much worse!"

Hope you are feeling much, much better now!